Tawdry Sells

"I don't know whether it's the Fifty Shades effect, but the number of incidents involving items like handcuffs seems to have gone up."
Dave Brown, London Fire Brigade officer

Forbes magazine has named the world's steepest-earning author for the year. None other than the popular fiction author of the trilogy beginning with Fifty Shades of Grey. That book and its successors, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, released in 2012, written originally as self-published on-line chapters, swiftly captured a huge audience appreciative of the topic and the manner in which it was handled by E.L. James.

Her writing has been described by discriminating critics as "mommy porn". It would appear a large segment of those drawn to her writing are the very same individuals who find Harlequin Romance publications irresistible. But inclusive of both sexes. E.L. James goes those publications a mite further in her descriptions of kinky sex encounters. And publishers claim her books have captured a mainstream audience. The less said of which, perhaps the better.

Her descriptions of explicit sex respecting unorthodox sexual practises (the erotic sexual exchanges of dominator and submissive obedience where both find fulfilment) have made her rich beyond the dreams of any aspiring author, to her initial amazement. James has the distinction of having sold more books in a short time frame than any other author previously; of having sold more than 70 million copies of her books in their first eight months following publication and release.

She has spawned an adoring audience, along with a new genre of writing. And, not incidentally, new ways for people to express their yearnings. In London in the last three years, firefighters have been called numerous times to rescue children with their heads stuck in potties or toilet seats.

A London Fire Brigade officer stated "I'm sure most people will be 50 shades of red by the time our crews arrive to free them". For they have rescued almost 80 people imprisoned in handcuffs; to which propensity the brigade has recommended handcuff users ensure the keys are kept nearby and speedily accessible.

Since 2010 the brigade has had 1,300 emergency calls for release of people held fast in household items. The bizarre calls are so numerous they are proving difficult to keep track of. Men have called for release and relief when they've had their penises stuck within a number of unbelievable items; say, a vacuum cleaner, a toaster.

London firefighters most commonly respond to calls from people stuck in rings, bracelets and watches. They recommend; if it doesn't fit, don't put it on. "If you think you're too big to fit into your child's toy car, you are", tweeted the brigade using the hashtag #fiftyshadesofred.

In Ottawa, calls come in that definitely fit the bizarre category listed by their London counterparts; they've seen their share of absurd situations. Ottawa Fire Services spokesman Marc Messier affirms his service enthusiastically endorses the message behind the London Fire Brigade's campaign to alert people to the dangers facing them when they experiment in ways that take inspiration from Fifty Shades of Grey.

Ottawa firefighters get their share of bizarre calls from citizens, ranging from tots with their heads stuck in potties to a man with a wrench attached to his penis. Mike Carroccetto/Ottawa Citizen

One woman, said Mr. Messier, brought herself to an Ottawa station hoping firefighters could free her hand from its capture within a bread maker. In another instance a man wearing handcuffs asked for help. Uncertain regarding his status, whether he had escaped police custody, firefighters did some homework before freeing the embarrassed man.

A local hospital emergency room called for their help once when a man turned up with a wrench stuck on his penis. Instruments that are put to use to repair vehicles came in handy in helping to rescue this man from his unfortunate self-imposed predicament. Once they were alerted to a man attempting a break-in to a convenience store through the ceiling, who got stuck in the ventilation system. People in the strip mall heard his calls for help and dialled 911. Responding firefighters cut him out of the duct work.

The advice the firefighters advance is simple enough to be understood by the most block-headed village idiot: "Use common sense and don't stick limbs and arms and fingers in places where they probably shouldn't be."