Negotiating the Emotional Minefield of Stress

"Stress can have a lasting, negative effect [on] the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus -- an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory."

"Think of it this way: If the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You'd distance yourself, and you should do the same with someone who causes you stress."

Travis Bradberry, author: Emotional Intelligence 2.0

"Our heart rate and blood pressure increase, and we feel angry, anxious, out of control or overwhelmed or numb."

"When we're around people who cause us strongly negative emotions, we have a 'fight, flight or appease response."

Dr. Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist

"Remember that if someone is being difficult, it can be helpful to reframe it to understand that it's usually because their life is difficult right now."

"They might have pressure at work from someone higher up, or there could be something going on in their life that has made them particularly snappy that day."

"It can be a supportive thing in a stressful moment to consider that and give yourself a chance to pause. Remember that two things can be true at once; someone can be difficult or angry with you, you can understand them, and it's OK for you to feel how you feel."

Katerina Georgiou, psychotherapist

Encountering and having to cope with your own emotions set off when you're in close proximity to someone whose attitude and manner toward you seems combative or hostile is not the most pleasant of feelings at the best of times. It can colour your entire day, if you're left fuming at the discomfort of feeling put-upon, let down, or blamed for something you weren't guilty of, or even feeling frustrated for an encounter that clearly placed you on the defensive. Close encounters with some people who are irritated and morose can ruin your day.

The sensible thing to do would be to separate yourself from proximity to anyone whose manner is so abrasive with an attitude  compellingly insensitive, but there are times when you cannot, and there you are, uncomfortable and resentful while someone you would prefer to avoid unloads on you or demands from you something you're not prepared to give emotionally. These encounters raise stress levels and leave one with an impression of being under pressure.

That pressure could emanate from an exchange with someone you're answerable to in your employment, or from someone within your close or extended family toward whom you feel a familial obligation to patience, or a neighbour whose interaction with you tends to be off-putting. Any of these fraught relationships can result in long-term serious effects on physical and mental health. Repeatedly feeling under pressure raises stress hormone production (adrenalin and cortisol), and we can spiral into a state of 'hyper-arousal'.

That's in the short-time; long term the risk of chronic insomnia may arise, and even heart disease and stroke. Relationship counsellors recommend removing oneself from the person's abrasive presence, if at all possible. Perhaps temporarily for 20 minutes to allow stress hormones to re-adjust. The journal Frontiers in Psychology published a study in 2019 that established a dose time of 20 minutes for effectively lowering stress levels. Should that 20 minutes be spent in a green environment, say walking through a local park, all the better.

Psychotherapist Georgiou, author of How to Understand and Deal with Stress advises "sandwiching" a questionable encounter such as a meeting or lunch with a difficult family member with "supportive" activities. "This could be going to a coffee shop or for a swim or speaking to a friend. Any activity that you enjoy and will give you a boost."

"This can be done politely, but firmly", advises clinical psychologist Dr. Trent. "People who are 'unboundaried' don't like having boundaries put in place around them, but that doesn't mean you can't add to them." Cognitive behavioural therapy teaches techniques that help reframe perspective and replace unhelpful beliefs and thoughts with those seen to be more realistic. Moving your thought process to an empathetic view of an irritating person; everyone has their background problems.

SutterHealth.org

 

The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology published a study in 2014 that found how we 'talk' to ourselves affects how we process emotions and manage stress. Self-esteem can be impacted by stressful relationships; particularly true in relationships with family members resulting in constant challenges. "You see it with children whose parents have been strict with them --- we start to speak to ourselves in the way we've been spoken to". Dr. Trent suggests making a conscious effort to speak to yourself the way you would to a best friend, with empathy and understanding.

"Positive self-talk helps you to reframe the way you look at stressful situations, understanding that you will approach challenges with the best of your ability and that whatever the outcome -- you did the best you could. Tackling these situations with an 'I can do this' mindset rather than a negative 'This is too hard' one, opens new ways of thinking and problem-solving", offers psychotherapist Elaine Meade who specializes in positive psychology.