The Violence of Intimacy

When reason cannot prevail, resort to force. This is the way that countries behave, in reflection of the collapse of human regard for others. In the micro-climate of a personal relationship, this is all too often how disagreements between a man and a woman become settled. In human relations, when the more powerful of a duo is unable to reach a satisfactory conclusion to a difference of opinion, the strength of the more powerful wins the battle, never the peace.

When two people, a man and a woman in a close emotional relationship to which both have committed themselves despite incompatibilities, the stronger personality all too often will not tolerate dissent from the subservient partner. Brute strength comes into play when the male feels himself provoked beyond his ability or his willingness to accept complaint.

A pliant woman who absorbs the assault to her individuality by a controlling partner may never be the victim of familial violence. But she does surrender her self-respect, her regard for herself as a capable and whole human being. When children are in the household, they tend to absorb the environment, think of it as natural, and adapt themselves to repeating the same dysfunctional cycle in maturity.

Woman who resist the onslaught of a controlling partner leave themselves open to physical abuse. It's a situation that has been traditionally well hidden from society's prying,inquisitive eyes. A woman assaulted is a woman shamed. Conventionally women have blamed themselves for making a poor choice in a partner, for provoking her partner beyond his endurance. Self esteem plunges during an assault, and in the memory of abuse.

For submitting to the abuse, for helplessness to avoid abuse, for her inability to cope with the reality of a partner whose solution to familial disagreements is to strike out. All too often the woman feels threatened whether or not she remains with the abusing man, anticipating that he will follow her and continue the abusive relationship, at a remove. All too often such is the case, and restraining orders prove ineffective.

All too often, a shocked society will read news reports of the end result of such relationships, when a police investigation opens into the 'alleged' male's having committed the ultimate offense against another human being and is then charged with manslaughter. It's true that there are many women who are abusive, psychologically as well as physically, and that too is a human tragedy resulting in a marriage destroyed.

But relatively rarely does an abusive woman resort to the end-stage of violence by murdering her husband. Woman can be fairly vile in their temperament and emotions when aroused but the hard physical reaction leading to death is more the prerogative of males, than females. Physically, it is relatively simpler for a man to leave a troubled relationship than it is for a woman. The emotional toll on a man may equal that of a woman's, but it is, by and large, women who suffer the most.

It is for that reason that society understands it has a responsibility to offer shelter to women fleeing violent relationships. Yet, although such shelters exist municipally - now widely acknowledged as necessities in most societies and as such funded through taxpayer dollars - there simply are not enough of them to temporarily lift the burden of crushed hopes and abandoned family homes.

In the city of Ottawa alone there are currently seven shelters for abused women - and their children - to take refuge in as a temporary break until they're able to establish themselves in a new home. In those shelters there is a support mechanism to offer professional services to distraught women unable to live any longer with an abusive mate. An eighth shelter exists in a nearby town, yet those eight shelters are unable to cope with the tidal wave of shelter-seekers.

It's difficult to imagine that a man might be unwilling to discipline and restrain himself if he has a propensity to strike out physically in irritation. It's hard to believe that if love for the other is a reality and does exist in the relationship anyone would do physical harm to those they love. Yet on the other hand, it's hard to understand dysfunctional households where children are raised without the emotional nurturance all children require.

Studies in human behaviour and maturation lead us to believe that when children are not given unconditional love from their parents and the support they need to mature into responsible individuals, they become incapable of caring for others just as they see no value in their own existence, devoid of human warmth. Easy enough to ask the rhetorical question why have children if one is not prepared to invest love and time to ensure they imbibe life's values.

In 2007, municipal quality-of-life statistics reveal that 613 women and a like number of children were given refuge in those eight Ottawa-area shelters. While, due to incapacity to take in any more women seeking shelter, almost ten times that number of hopeful applicants were turned away. It's a human disgrace.