Stable Intimate Relationships in Marriage

"I think that tendency to just move on and want to start fresh, for many people they don't really reflect on that relationship. So when they start a new partnership, well, they just end up falling into the same old patterns again."
"Although some relationship dynamics may change, you are still the same person, so you likely recreate many of the same patterns with the next partner."
"Just starting a new partnership doesn’t mean things are going to be different. This research shows that chances are, you are going to fall into the same patterns in many aspects of the relationship. Even if things are different, they’re not guaranteed to be better."
"In order for that type of relationship [previously married with children] to end, things had to get pretty bad, to blow up your life, to separate, to figure out the joint custody of children and a new place to live."
"Potentially they had a higher threshold [older, more experience in marriage and parenthood] to start a new partnership because they were a bit more guarded. things were especially good for them when they started a new relationship."
"I know that young adults are incredibly pessimistic about their prospects for lasting love. I spend the whole semester trying to deconstruct that myth."
Matthew Johnson, associate professor of family science, University of Alberta

New romantic relationships tend to take on the familiar patterns of previous, broken relationships once the honeymoon phase is over, according to a new study by a U of A relationship expert. (Photo: Getty Images)

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. That advice of venerable vintage holds promise in so many areas of life. And for many, it extends to new intimate relationships. When a marriage fails, the dissolved partners each seek another to form a relationship with in the hopes that the new one will be lasting, a permanent fixture in their lives, satisfying their need for a partner in whose company they can be prepared to face the future alongside, someone who will love them as they themselves love the other in a lasting commitment.

A new study titled "(Eventual) stability and change across partnerships", published in the Journal of Family Psychology, has concluded that on average those who separate from their partners for issues of incompatibility and begin another relationship with high hopes of success ultimately discover themselves to be no further ahead, with yet another attempt that has led to failure.

Data extracted from over 500 German subjects over an eight-year period measured for factors such as the amount of conflict between partners, the level of satisfaction achieved, and the tendency to express thoughts and emotions to one another, used by the research team led by Dr. Johnson with a view to establishing why it is that so many intimate relationships fail. They discovered that using these measures as guidelines, over the course of a year a second relationship reflected conditions similar to the original partnership that failed.

(People have a tendency to repeat themselves, and in so doing situations run along a predictable track. If individuals are not emotionally flexible, capable of compromise, able to communicate with grace and tolerance, they become habitually accustomed to antagonistic perceptions and reactions.}

The study concluded that similar patterns of emotional behaviour lead to pairing with partners similar in personality type, attractiveness and socio-economic status. Which makes sense, since ostensibly the more that people have in common with one another the greater the likelihood that interests will converge and sympathies with them.

Dr. Johnson has a background as a former couple's therapist. He found that the most common outcome was for the second relationship to be more fraught than the previous one, with greater issues leading to conflict, fewer expressions, less satisfaction.

Research participants happened to be German in view of the fact that the data was extracted from the German Family Panel, a huge study of 12,000 individuals that began in 2008. There were no Canadian data since Canada has no comparable collection of data. Statistics Canada no longer tracks divorce rates. Although the vast majority of participants included in the German Family Panel were heterosexual, gay participants were not excluded from the sample used, making it fairly inclusive.

The year 2008 saw Statistics Canada release its last divorce data which envisaged that 43 percent of marriages would end before a couple's 50th wedding anniversary. Marriage at a young age is considered a risk factor for divorce. Still, two-thirds of couples who remain in a marriage find themselves in high-quality relationships through those marriages.

It was found that the decline in relationship success was more prevalent among people who have a tendency toward negative emotions and to hold pessimistic world views; which Dr. Johnson referred to as "neuroticism". And for this group, the partnership sundering was particularly difficult, reinforcing their neuroticism as they were found never to fully rebound in new relationships.

For older people, on the other hand, second relationships saw an improvement. In the final analysis people are not advised to remain within a relationship that causes distress. "I would say the data is increasingly clear -- among couples who get married at least -- lasting love is actually the norm."

(Credit: luizclas / Pexels)