Finding Himself

Photos by Oded Balilty/Associated Press

"As much as I fled it, the heavens made it clear to me that that's who I am."
"She blesses me, she loves everyone."
"Usually drag queens are gruff. I decided that I wanted to be happy, entertain people, perform mitzvoth."
"I wanted to take the path that (God) commanded of us. I didn't see any other option."
Shahar Hadar, Jerusalem

Shahar Hadar is an Israeli Orthodox Jew, 35 years of age, who works as a telemarketer. He is a drag queen. His feminine alter ego is Rebbetzin Malka Falsche. And he portrays her and her philosophy within the background of ultra-Orthodox Judaism as practised by the Breslov Hasids. Hasidic Jews, despite their deeply devout teaching, are not dour by nature, but rather they are joyful in their devotion, given to song and to dance and to laughter.

When Shahar Hadar was young he thought of attendance at a Jerusalem yeshiva. Daily Torah study would, he thought and he hoped, alter his perspective in life. At age 19 his constant sexual thoughts revolved on males, not females. Reciting morning prayers religiously, wearing a yarmulke, being in the presence of other soulfully-engaged young men all of whom were ensconced in their religious devotions didn't seem helpful to the troubled young man.

While at the yeshiva he experienced a brief encounter with his roommate that resulted in his being ushered out of the seminary. At another religious studies centre another student introduced him to his wife's ultra-Orthodox friend. Friendship morphed into a serious relationship, and Shahar Hadar did as was expected of him by society and by the Orthodox world in which he had immersed himself, as a true believer.

Married, he felt uncomfortable in conjugal intimacy. His wife became aware of this and asked for an explanation, but her husband steadily refused to divulge his inability to be other than what he was. She insisted they divorce, later giving birth to their child. Their daughter is now eleven years of age, but he is unable to see her as his ex-wife refuses to permit him any contact with the child. Still, his faith and his determination to remain within it persists.

His own sister's marriage dissolved later when she discovered her husband to be gay. When seated with the rest of his family at dinner, conversation would turn to denouncing homosexuality. Shahar Hadar's brother asked of his assembled family members, "Are gays not human beings", despite having no knowledge that his brother Shahar was one of the gay community.

Mr. Hadar turned for comfort and support to a Tel Aviv school for emerging drag performers in an attempt to integrate himself into gay life, while at the same time insisting that he would remain an Orthodox Jew. At the drag school, Jewish settlers, ultra-Orthodox Jews who have lapsed in their belief, Arab Israelis and even Israeli military can be found, supporting one another and sharing experiences.

And just incidentally learning to be themselves, and learning how to achieve satisfaction in expressing themselves in a manner that seems to best suit and display their biological orientation.