Familial Dysfunction

"To the extent you are actively trying to distance yourself and maintain that distance, that makes you estranged."
"Estrangement is a] continual process. In our culture, there's a ton of guilt around not forgiving your family. [So] achieving distance is hard. But maintaining distance is harder."
Kristina Scharp, assistant professor, Utah State University, Logan

"[Estrangement] occurs across years and decades. All the hurt and betrayals, all the things that accumulate, undermine a person's sense of trust."
Kylie Agllias, social worker, Australia

A survey commissioned in Britain by Stand Alone, a charity whose purpose is to give support to estranged people, concluded that of two thousand people interviewed, eight percent claimed they had severed communication with a family member. Adults reported being estranged from parents for three main reasons in a study published in the journal Australian Social Work: abuse, betrayal and poor parenting, with instances where there was overlap between those issues

According to social worker Kylie Agllias who wrote "Family Estrangement" in 2016, most of the participants described their estrangement having taken place after childhoods where they experienced poor connections with their parents. As for Dr. Scharp's study published in June, 52 adults were interviewed and found to have distanced themselves from their parents in a variety of ways over time; some creating a geographic distance, other making no effort to fulfill familial expectations.

An example was given of one 48-year-old woman who had cut off all contact with her father for a 33-year period. When he was ill and hospitalized she made no effort to see him, nor was she interested in attending his funeral. Others interviewed for the study made the decision to limit their contact with family members to superficial conversations, while yet others dramatically reduced contact altogether.

One public servant living in Ottawa, now 47, maintains some contact with most of his family, but a psychologically remote one. He dreaded family holiday meals and spoke in particular of his father's temper, upsetting him from the time he was a child forward. He resented having been entrusted with the care of his two younger siblings, a situation that led in adulthood to disinterest in having any children of his own.

When he decided to have a civil ceremony in marrying his long-term girlfriend he decided not to invite any members of his family, concerned his father might be disruptive. "I agonized over inviting them or not, for a long time", said Nikolaus Maack. "But in the end, decided, 'I can't have them there'." It was through Facebook that his family discovered the marriage had taken place.

This is an instance where a social Internet site has taken the place of intimate family, and it is likely one of countless such instances when personal intimacy and links to family are subordinated to social media sites. Nowhere in the research cited is there even a whiff of a hint that the people who chose to estrange themselves might themselves be afflicted with some minor disorder having little to do with their family other than resentment.

Some children at an early age may very well experience feelings similar to authority affective disorder which grows over time and extends beyond the family, becoming a social incapacity to get along with anyone. That, quite aside from legitimate disruptions in family life and the rejection of parents and/or other family members resulting from unpleasant or imagined early experiences leading to disaffection and emotional dislocation.