Instilling Civility

"I've had lots of conversations with people across the country, and one thing that people are thinking is that the kids aren't having as much time to be outside, and having free play, because they are spending much more time on screens."
"When you are playing outside with others, you have to develop patience, you have to learn how to take turns, and learn how to pretend, and all of those are things that help you develop the ability to stop, plan and think."
"I've seen kids have absolute meltdowns at 18 months to two years of age. You are out to dinner and the parents have brought along an iPad for the kid to play with so they don't have any second of boredom. They take the iPad away when the food comes, and [the child] has a massive melt-down."
"It's something we need to as a society really examine: are screens replacing face-to-face time?"
"If [teachers] are only focused on what reading level do they have, how many words do they have, then they miss this whole other part that interferes with everything about learning, and not just their own learning but the learning of all the kids in the class."
"I remember talking to a little boy, and the classroom had been cleared, and he said, 'I was so frightened being in that classroom all by myself. I didn't know what as going to be happening next. There was nobody there to help me'. That's how he experienced it."
"For a four-year-old, that's pretty frightening. ... What a four-year-old needs is an adult to come in and help co-regulate them, go in and stay with them. 'Buddy, come here, can I give you a hug?; Physical contact, help soothe them."
"One of the things that we know is that for younger kids -- I'm talking about kids under six -- physical touch, asking for permission to give a hug, soothing a child by allowing them to snuggle in, is very, very important developmentally. The boards that have no-touch policies really have to examine that for the early years."
Jean Clinton, child psychiatrist, clinical professor, McMaster University

"I was terrified my first year because we were told, 'You do not touch the children'."
"But they're little. Some of them are only three. They'll say, 'Can I have a hug?' Or I'm sitting on the floor and they'll put a head on my shoulder."
"They are little, that is what they need, that is what they want."
Early childhood educator, kindergarten class

Dr. Clinton feels that schools with "hands-off" policies, instructing their employees that they are not, under any circumstances to physically touch the youngest children in their administrative care should re-think this policy. Physical contact with permission to give hugs, and to empathize with a confused or frightened child through a gentle, caring touch, she feels could solve some of the alienating aspects of a very young child who might be feeling isolated or abandoned in the first few years of school and who responds by 'acting out'.

Nor is she a fan of the "evacuation" method used in some schools that when a child in the classroom acts out and is out of control, unwilling or unable or defiant to a teacher's instructions, they are left in the classroom on their own as a lesson through isolation, of the consequences of throwing books and furniture around, much less attacking other pupils or the teacher. All other children in the classroom are quietly escorted out of the room, and the obstreperous child is left on his/her own, presumably to think out why it is that he/she is left alone.

School boards are concerned that the old traditional method of teachers yanking unruly children about to impress upon them that their behaviour is unacceptable, is no longer representative of today's methods of dealing with problem children. Children whose parents, upon hearing that their child may have been man-handled will contact the news media to broadcast the 'assault', and even call police or launch a lawsuit against the teacher, the school, the school board.

It simply is not done. That old order to older children to 'go to the principal's office' where hand smacks are administered represents the dark ages of a bygone era.

In this era of public schooling, exposing children to the education system, it is strictly hands-off for teachers. And whether and how much that has contributed to young people from an early age on into their more mature years, knowing that whatever they do the punishment can only be as bad as a suspension, and even expulsion from school, see few restraints now on their compulsion to be violent, either toward other students or the teachers themselves. They know it is unlawful for them to be 'touched' by any adult.

Reports of "violent incidents" that school administrations and their boards must deal with now has doubled in the past two years. Incidents of violence that encompass children from all grades. Early childhood educators working in kindergarten, elementary teachers and educational assistants report having been bitten, punched, kicked, scratched, spat upon and sworn at by children, ranging from kindergarten age up to Grade 3.

Social skills, respect for others, ability to interact civilly, appear to have been lost in lock-step with the availability of and fascination with technological toys. Digital devices consume increasingly more of children's time, leaving them little interest in anything else. Even potty seats and bouncy chairs come with built-in pockets handy for storing an iPad. Instant gratification that digital devices can deliver is, notes, Dr. Clinton, "very, very enticing".

Parents seem to be failing their own grade in instilling in children civil values and behaviours. Either they lack those values themselves, or they are too inept and disinterested in ensuring their children are imbued with them. They neglect their parental obligations to their children and their society, send their children off to school, and expect those in the teaching profession to correct and ameliorate what they have themselves neglected. By which time it can be too late.

And in the attempt to imbue the children with needed discipline, too time-consuming for a teacher whose responsibility to an entire class cannot be consumed by one acting-out child. Mothers have traditionally been the parent expected for the most part, to teach manners to their children. With both parents now mostly in the paid workforce, little actual time is left for children to be taught directly; they emulate their parents, disengaged, focused on technology.



Teachers feel pressure from parents to prepare their kindergarten-age children for the next grade up when they will be learning the fundamentals of academic knowledge, leaving their play-time in kindergarten behind. Kindergarten is the time when children learn relationship skills, develop "social and emotional intelligence", reasonably enough. Or they don't. And that inability to interact civilly with others will follow them throughout their school years and into the future, if not developed adequately.

The situation has become so dire that some teachers leave the profession, unable to continue coping, while others take more time off because of depression and burn-out. Suffering physical assaults by children while trying to maintain professional composure and focusing on teaching children their academic lessons can be exhausting physically and mentally draining.

Johner Images - Kronholm, Susanne / Brand X Pictures / Getty Images

Revisiting The Bad Seed

"The rehabilitation of  young offenders is one of the primary goals of the Youth Criminal Justice Act, but it is not the legislation's only goal. In a case such as this the goal of protection of the public must also be stressed."
"He is only fourteen years of age and in desperate need of treatment and supervised control. He constitutes a danger to the public and [to] his grandmother."
"Based upon the reports I recently discussed, it is difficult to see how such a sentence [Crown and defence suggested a period of six months of open custody and supervision, followed by a period of probation] will assist in [the boy’s] rehabilitation or protect the public from him. It appears obvious that [the boy] is not ready to be placed back into the community."
Judge Wayne Gorman, Corner Brook, Newfoundland

"[He is an] out of control, violent, manipulative youth with no concerns for how his actions affect others around him or any regard for following court orders."
"[In my opinion only a secure sentence represents an outcome to provide any level of rehabilitation.]" "Without a period of secure custody being imposed [the boy] will likely continue to be involved with the Youth Justice System on a regular and escalating basis."
Presentence report

"[The boy stated that he] has been stabbed and has stabbed others, that he kicked his adversary on the ground and sometimes gets in street fights for no other reason than satisfaction."
Psychological report

He's considered a child as a young offender and his identity is protected under Canada's Youth Criminal Justice Act. His behaviour is that of a sado-masochistic sociopath; he feels neither concerned compassion for others nor one iota of regret for his own harmful actions toward others. His commission of violent behaviour, his rejection of authority, his threat to society led to a ten-month sentence of secure custody and supervision.

Im Grade seven there were 125 "behavioural incidents" and in grade eight 66 such incidents logged against his conduct, at a time when he was in school for a mere hour daily. The sentence imposed on this boy takes into account multiple crimes committed this year, including breaking windows, break-ins, stealing lottery tickets from a mall kiosk. On September 21 the boy and a handful of his peers skipped school to go to an abandoned building.

They lured a twelve-year-old girl to accompany them. Once there the boys attacked the girl because they felt she was a "rat"; obviously believing she had "told" on them to school authorities. The boy placed a knife at her throat, she was forced to kneel and she was repeatedly kicked and informed the building was a "good place to kill someone", and their body would never be found. The boy placed a chokehold on the girl and she passed into unconsciousness.

When they left the abandoned building, he warned the girl that if she mentioned the incident to anyone he would kill her. The following day he was arrested. Six months of open custody and supervision with probation was the Crown and defence recommendation, one that the presiding justice deferred in favour of a more rigorous penalty in view of a need to protect the public and to make an effort to rehabilitate the boy.

This young boy has been diagnosed with partial fetal alcohol syndrome. Before he was a year old he was removed from the custody of his parents because of their inattention to the needs of a child, alongside their drug use. And he was placed in the custody of his grandmother, to raise. She informed officials of the limited control she had over the boy's actions. And she made no secret of her fears of her grandson's behaviour, that when he is released in her opinion he will represent a threat both to himself and to the public.

The Neighbour Who Cares

"Every eight-yer-old is different, every neighbourhood is different, and every parent is different, so you can't make an overall judgement like that."
"Apparently whoever called the police didn't think the police were a good enough judge of what was okay and not okay."
"Then they called DCFS [Department of Children and Family Services]. The police did not call DCFS."
"The funny thing is … I’m a joke with my friends because my kids are around me all the time. These are upper-middle class, stay-at-home moms [her friends] who have been investigated because someone didn’t have anything better to do with their time and called the police on them."
"For something like this to happen to me, there’s something really wrong. She was gone for five minutes. I was in the backyard and I could see her through the yard."
"Everyone needs to allow the parent to do what is best for their family. No one will dictate my parenting choices."
Corey Widen, 48, mother, Wilmette, Illinois

Corey Widen (right), daughter Dorothy and dog Marshmallow near their Wilmette, Illinois, home

Chris Walker/Chicago Tribune/TNS via Getty

Parents have a duty and an obligation to teach their children many social and personal lessons, building on their natural traits as they learn how to become disciplined and responsible individuals. And Dorothy Widen's mother Corey, took her responsibility as a mother seriously. When her children clamoured, as children do, to have a family pet she considered their request and spoke to them about their zeal for the pleasure of having a little dog around, having to match the level of personal responsibility they would exhibit in learning to take care of that pet.

Most parents know that when their children wax enthusiastic about the sweet little dog they see being walked by someone on the street and how wonderful it would be to share a little companion animal of their own, that it is they, in the long haul, that will have to do the required maintenance work once the excitement of acquiring a family pet has become normalized with the pet in place and no one wanting to offer to do the work of care, feeling satisfied with doing the playing about with the pet.

Corey explained in an interview that when she and her children discussed acquiring a pet it was with the proviso that they would have to share all the responsibilities of pet care, including walking their pet. In the interests of teaching her daughter Dorothy, eight years of age, a little responsibility and giving her a sense of independence along with it, she allowed Dorothy to go out with leashed Marshmallow for a walk on August 2nd.

A neighbour, seeing the child and the dog and no adult accompanying them reported to police, claiming a child who looked about five years old was walking a dog on her own. The concerned neighbour has not been identified. Wilmette police in their response to the call visited the Widen home, arriving just as Dorothy returned from her walk with Marshmallow. When Dorothy saw police at the door linked to her walk with her little dog, she was understandably upset.

"I was like really scared. I saw the police just there, like the police's car and I heard the like sirens going off", Dorothy later recalled of her experience. While no charges were filed after the police spoke to the family, swiftly determining there was nothing awry, the investigation was dropped. The unnamed neighbour, however, forged on, contacting the Illinois DCFS which launched a weeks-long investigation of their own.

The DCFS representatives interviewed family members, family friends and went so far as to interviews the pediatrician looking after the Widen family, eight-year-old Dorothy and her 17-year-old brother. As it was explained by a spokeswoman from the DCFS, when a complaint is lodged the agency doesn't know whether it represents a legitimate concern until it investigates. When it did so in this instance the agency closed the case since nothing amiss was revealed.

So is this an instance of a 'neighbour's' legitimate concern for the welfare of an under-age child exposed to a situation that could be a problem for that child's safety, just doing the responsible thing by alerting authorities when she could have approached the mother to discuss her concerns and have them allayed? Or is it conceivably a malicious intervention by someone who disapproves for whatever personal reason of the family concerned?

Does this call for the police laying charges of unjustifiable mischievous slander against a neighbour by a nasty character posing as a social conscience?

Wilmette, Illinois, resident Corey Widen was investigated by the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services after an anonymous caller reported that her daughter was walking the family dog alone.WBBM

They've Got Entrepreneurial Talent

"Most parents don't allow kids to speak like that. It's shock value [for attention and notoriety]."
"[Internet stars often turn to] gimmicks."
"Gets right to the edge there [boasting of being part of the illicit drug scene]."
Christopher Schneider, professor of sociology, Brandon University, Manitoba

"[I'm the] youngest flexer [show off/fake] of the century."
"[A] 9-year-old millionaire and I be smoking dope, bitch."
"[I got rich by] moving bricks [drugs]."
"[My] toilet costs more than your rent."
"Gucci from head to toe [ ] broke-ass haters."
Lil Tay, YouTube rapper

Images from Lil Tay's social media posts where she takes on the persona of someone living the high life in the Hollywood Hills.    instagram.com/liltay

With 1.7-million followers on Instagram, one can only conclude that the cheap and shallow values held so dear by so many represents a vivid picture of a lost society. This 9-year-old kid's mother's values indicate that the degenerate mindset that exemplifies the rude and nasty language shrilled by an undisciplined and wilful child is shared by generations. The little girl's mother, Vancouver-based, former real estate salesperson, Angela Tian, is proud of her daughter's show business savvy.

No less so with that of the girl's older brother, where the two collaborate; he as the creative mind orchestrating the videos featuring his little sister with their runaway success and groupie followers, she as the enfant terrible making their mother proud that her children are such astute performers attracting the attention of Hollywood. Their facility in "comedy" and "acting" has garnered a large following, exempting the usual suspects: "Some people don't get the joke", says proud mom.

Their Instagram and YouTube videos flaunt wealth and pride where the little girl takes to flashing wads of American bills while spewing shrilly vulgar language at her critics who are, in her parlance "broke-ass haters". They're the public who are appalled at the exhibition of prepubescent vulgarity approved by a doting mother and spurred on by a clued-in brother.

Those who, instead of giving this accomplished talent its just due, feel the exhibition of nauseating child-parody of low-lifing illicit wealth justifies charges of child neglect and child abuse, that all indications are that child welfare authorities are remiss in turning a blind eye to the situation. Purporting to be flaunting her wealth and possessions from sunny California in the Hollywood Hills, some investigative reporting has indicated otherwise.

The $3.6 million highrise condo she traipses through is located in False Creek harbour, downtown Vancouver, where her mother gave unauthorized access to her extraordinarily gifted children. As for the red Mercedes convertible Lil Tay poses in, it is the vehicle owned by her mother's real estate boss who rather took umbrage over the unprincipled use of these sets.

Which, in the end, cost Angela Tian her real estate job. But she is unconcerned, awaiting overtures from the entertainment industry, anxious to sign her daughter to lucrative contracts.

Selecting Statistics : Take Your Pick

"Red regions of the country have higher teen pregnancy rates, more shotgun marriages and lower average ages at marriage and first birth."
"Blue family values bristle at restrictions on sexuality, insistence on marriage or the stigmatization of single parents. Their secret, however, is that they encourage their children to simultaneously combine public tolerance with private discipline, and their children then overwhelmingly choose to raise their own children within two-parent families."
Naomi Cahn and June Carbone, "Red Families v.Blue Families", 2010

"Child marriage is happening at an alarming rate across the United States, but available marriage-license data show more parents, judges and clerks in red states than in blue states seem comfortable with this human-rights abuse."
Fraidy Reiss, founder, Unchained at Last nonprofit

"Individual religious conservatism is positively related to individual divorce risk."
American Journal of Sociology 50-state study

There are always statistics that can be handily selected that will advance preferred theories. It isn't that the statistics are not necessarily reliable in demonstrating the reality of issues, it's that there are often complicating issues within the subject that tend to tilt outcomes in one way or another. Which goes a long way to repeating that the devil is in the details.

Take, for example, political ideologies and how they differ, what their premises are and their values and how they're upheld and what the consequences are. Conservatives, for example can be relied upon to cite their foremost value as being one that upholds the status of the traditional, conventional family: "Family values" has sanctity status; a phrase very familiar to voters in particular, most especially during election times.

In the conventional sense, family values are fairly precise; no premarital sex, children only within the sacrament of marriage, and children raised in two-parent families for optimum outcomes. Despite which, conservative areas reflect high rates of teenage pregnancies, divorce and rates of prostitution, whereas liberal areas, while abstaining from insisting on "family values" because they pride themselves on being more "socially progressive", end up with fewer teen births, divorces and prostitution.

Mississippi, Delaware, West Virginia, Alabama and Arkansas high school students self-reported having had sex in responding to the Youth Risk Behavior Survey of 32 states. Delaware was the only state among them that voted Republican in the last presidential election. Whereas New York, California, Maryland, Nebraska and Connecticut all reported the lowest proportion of high school students who experienced sex encounters, with Nebraska among them having voted Democratic.



In 2015, nine of ten states surveyed with the highest teen birth rates had voted Republican, and nine of the ten states with the lowest teen birth rates had voted Democratic. Liberals boast they are relaxed about strict moral codes while in their personal lives they teach their children the inappropriateness of high school students engaging in sex. On the other hand evangelical students who have sex are unlikelier to use birth control and have a lower rate of abortions.

While averse to pre-marital sex, conservative positions sometimes lead to early marriages, even where the principals are considered to be children. Hundreds of thousands of child marriages take place in the United States. The dozen states ranking with the highest rates of child marriage had all voted Republican in 2015. Divorce too tends to be higher in red states as opposed to blue; Arkansas leading the pack.

A large international survey discovered that Ashley Madison's most numerous group of clients were evangelical Christians. According to a major study from 2013, men in the Houston and Kansas City metro areas were likelier to call on  sex advertisers, while men in San Francisco and Baltimore were less likely to indulge. And then there are Mormons, the ultra-conservative conservatives where Utah stands alone for low teen birthrates, low divorce and low abortion rates.

Utah also has the greatest number of teenagers living at home with their married, biological parents. Interestingly, when Mormonism was founded one of the guiding principles and beliefs was that men were ordained by god to have multiple wives. Due to Federal government pressure, the mainstream Mormon church dropped that major plank in its religion, and now it is the breakaway faction, the Church of Latter-Day Saints that pursues multiple wives in a single marriage with illegal gusto.

Statistical analysis indicates that religious conservatives more commonly divorce in response to early marriages where the partners come from disproportionately poor backgrounds and are poorly educated. It is not, therefore, conservative values themselves that inevitably lead to premarital sex or divorce.

Alfred Gescheidt/Getty Images